uh oh
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.