Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Ironic
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!