Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
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Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”