Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Is this a threat?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.