[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
What personal space?
My dog
oh u like geography? name every lake
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.