Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
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Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.