ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today