Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.