taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?