Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
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Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
British websites use biscuits.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
called in thicc to work this morning
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect