You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My what?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
You are what you delete.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.