scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh