guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.