dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish