6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Natty or not?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I unironically love this joke.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.