[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Trying
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone