Trying
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Put a ring on it
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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?