I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
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[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT