I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Called it
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?