[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

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People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.


Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it


Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”


[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky


I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”


If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.


When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.


Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.