Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Breaking news:
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.