Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
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If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
my dad when a sex scene comes on
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When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.