Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
man: wait
time: no
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”