Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.