People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.