I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?