I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?