How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
meanwhile over on facebook
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Pat is about to own someone
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
This is my favorite one of these!