How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
Me: But we’ll get through it.
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!
I like the way this kid thinks!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]