This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
The morning after pill, but for tweets
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.