Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
You learn something every day
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth