Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Canadian owl: Eh?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants