Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*