Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.