Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
You Might Also Like
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
why no one uses midhusbands
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*