That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Sign of the day..
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.