Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
![]()
sigh
![]()
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed