I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos