My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
This meal prepping shit easy
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Vodka burrito was a success
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!