Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a whole mood;

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Dream inside a dream
– inception

Inn inside an inn
– innception

Re: Re:
– reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.