I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
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Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
When you kidnap a writer.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Awesome parenting 😂
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet