I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up