OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back