Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

me, too, girl. me, too.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

All set.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

This is amazing.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.