Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

look at me when i’m typing to you

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

The “baby” on the left….

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…