@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.