Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex