I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself