both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.