I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
You Might Also Like
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow