Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
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Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics