Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
this is what they would have looked like, though
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
we’re dead?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi