If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.