My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Lmaoo 😂
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life