“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites