I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
PLOT TWIST:
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.