Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
constantly working on myself.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.